Seriously you guys, when?
I've never had a problem with my weight, I wasn't a chubby youth or young adult... I wasn't pole thin either, but I was of normal weight and body mass all my life.. Until I decided to have children...
You see, there is something inside this body of mine (be it thin or fat), that does not work like it should. I couldn't ovulate when I was thin and I could certainly not ovulate when I became fat... Between the thin infertile and the fat infertile, 3 years went by, filled with every kind of test, operation and hormone (pill or injectable) known to man... but 3 1/2 years and 100lbs + later, I was sitting in a hospital bed, one baby latched on my breast, another in the NICU 3 floors below... and for the first time in a very long time, I was truly happy. My heart and my arms were full and all was alright with the world. I would lose the weight and be happy ever after with my boys...
Fast forward 5 years...
My arms and my heart are still full and I am still obese.
I couldn't lose the weight, one of my twins is deemed special needs, my marriage went through Hell and back, fine cracks now obvious in it's polished surface.
Our pocket book is in the pits, my patience is running thin these days, depending on how many hrs of sleep I've gotten and my girlfriends insist I divorce "that man" because he is no good...
I've done tons of things to help my son and my marriage... I've done nothing to help my body lose the weight and, the insane thought and immense craving for just another baby has now taken a firm hold of my heart.
It's not that I eat all that much. It's the fact that food is now my only comfort. I can't shop for the things I want and when I do shop, it's always something for someone else, the boys or my husband.
I don't have money for the hair salon or to get a massage or my nails done...
I shop the discount super market and pulled the boys out of private school...
It's not that we are dirt poor or anything, it's just that our resources have shrank.
I work full time, I have two little ones who I drive to therapy and swim class 3 times a week and I've got no time for me. By the time I've got the boys asleep, my husband returns from his 2nd job and needs to be pampered... so... here I am... overweight (obese), arms full, heart a little less, successful at work (very!), and with food being my vice.
I love the thought that I can "reward" myself with a chocolate or some ice cream, or pizza... I eat plenty of veggies and fruit daily but that freedom that there is no "must" in my diet (or mustn't/shouldn't) really helps me because everything else in life is a "must" or a "deadline" and I feel like I can't breathe.
I can now see you shaking your heads saying "My God, and you want another baby?" and the simple answer is yes... I do.
There is something missing from our family and even with less money, s/he will grow up happy and healthy. I think it is irrelevant whether my marriage will be saved after all because I don't think my husband is necessary in order to raise a baby. I've been doing it on my own for 5 years now, double duty so... Yes, I want another baby... except...
I can't get pregnant... and I don't know how to lose so much weight... 100lbs is a LOT of weight to lose by dieting. Add insulin resistance and a host of hormonal imbalances to the list and you are set up for failure before you even begin.
A few pounds? Sure I could lose that... like last time, and the time before that... but 100lbs? Without medicine to regulate my hormones and insulin ups and downs? No way... realistically NO WAY... and if by some miracle it does happen, it will take years... and I don't have that long.
I need something drastic... but what? And lets start with getting the $$ to go in for some testing and hopefully getting an RX for some medicine to help me out and we shall see...
I know one thing: I don't want to be obese any longer... and I want to be a mom just one more time... I only need to figure out how...
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